I Send Cake To Myself

My sons are grown up and living independently, and more than capable, but there's a part of me that feels a tug towards their birthdays - of course I do. This includes some sense of responsibility for their happiness: a wanting them to have special days.

And since I feel an almost equal tug towards cake, which combines so naturally with this birthday wanting, it made sense to me at around lunchtime yesterday (even though I'd already given a card and presents at the weekend) to order a box of brownies from a company which promised delivery in time for my elder son's birthday which is today - just to make extra sure I'd done enough. 

I tapped his fairly new address into the cake company's online form - I felt confident and on familiar cake-based territory: that I knew what I was doing. 

In fact, because of the way Apple Pay works, I didn't. I now know, owing to an exchange with the cake delivery company, that yesterday, the payment app filled in the billing address (Shrewsbury) as the delivery address as well, despite my previous manual filling in of the intended delivery address (Gateshead). 

Damn.

So when I arrived home, after a tiring but hopeful day of therapy and walking, I found a parcel from DPD on the mat, and in my inbox the offer of a 10% discount on my next cake order as a gesture towards the inconvenience of the difference between Shrewsbury and Gateshead. 

Feeling that the 10% offer was missing the whole birthday point, I answered a timely videocall from my son. He looked cheerful and happy, as did his thoughtful fiancée who had, he demonstrated by turning his phone camera towards it, arranged a delicious-looking birthday cake, complete with icing and decorations. I explained the brownie mix up in a sort of rush of relief. "Never mind, Mum. Why don't you make a start on them, and we can carry on when I'm down next week - and how about we eat them while watching Gibson Girls." I can't think of anything much nicer. 

With that double pleasure to look forward to, and reassured that my son is having a lovely birthday, I cut through the seal on the brownie box. 

Maybe I knew what I was doing, after all. 

I Re-Glaze My Greenhouse

I did not expect to be moved to tears by my greenhouse, but there I was, this sunny afternoon, at my allotment, phoning my Longest-Serving Friend.

    'It sounds like you're crying,' she said, her voice full of concern.

    'I am,' I replied. 'Please don't worry - they're tears of joy.'

I explained how I had replaced the panes of glass broken by Storm Darragh. She was delighted for me and felt tearful too. Sometimes, it takes a Longest-Serving Friend to understand the significance of a minor event as major.

To explain - here's some of the mess Darragh made:

Being a poet and thinker, it was hard for me not to understand this damage as metaphor, especially as it happened around my birthday, and especially as other greenhouses all around stood firm through the high winds. 

Today, I reinstated the ability of my greenhouse to be a greenhouse by replacing three panels in the door, two at the sides. It was when I slid and clipped the first side panel in, that I felt emotion rise in me: a rush of relief. The sensation was unexpected, and the Doubter inside said, 'It could still go wrong, Liz.'

This inner voice is the voice which questions whether I can manage things by myself. Wouldn't it have been better to ask for help? I'm not averse to collaboration. A friend made a significant contribution by transporting the glass in his estate car but, apart from that kindness, I'd managed to make the correct measurements, buy the right fittings, and position the panels (without breaking them or cutting my fingers) all by myself. 

My acts of independence may be moderate, aided by YouTube videos, and fine sunny weather; but I reaffirmed for myself today that they hold a deep significance. This has something to do with freedom, autonomy, womanhood, space to learn, and a growing confidence in my physical, embodied self. In turn, this all is something of a metaphor for my ability to mend, to create for myself a house of light and growth.