As I pushed it closed on Tuesday, it became apparent that the shed door, which had been shaky for a long while, was in danger of becoming completely un-hinged. Screws were loosening, some parts of the wood around the fixings was becoming distinctly flaky. I could see that if I didn't act soon, the whole thing would come adrift, leaving the workings of my allotment (spade, fork, trowel, shears ...) at risk of exposure. It felt burdensome to be faced with this addition to my to do list, and as I walked away from the door, leaving it adrift and listing, it also felt, as with all things allotment, like a metaphor.
How to fix the door has been a quandary milling around in my head for the past couple of days. My approach to allotment life is 'make do' - it's a sort of sandpit challenge to myself. This is partly for the fun of problem-solving, and partly to solve the problem of my antipathy to superstore shopping.
I went along to my allotment this morning, screwdrivers at the ready, hoping, but far from certain, that I'd have fixed the door by lunchtime. And then I had. I still feel quite surprised about this, especially as, at a few points, intractable problems seemed to arise. These were solved because I received, and asked for, help.
I find asking for help difficult in most circumstances. In all the reading I've been doing recently about my inner life, I've found out self-reliance can be a characteristic of those who've experienced trauma. Moderate acts of independence as a defence mechanism - it puts a whole new spin on this blog and my plumbing adventures.
It was particularly helpful that the first part of the help I received was offered without my having to ask for it. Just as I thought I'd have to nip to the shops to buy a hacksaw, my allotment neighbour, and good friend IRL, managed to wrench the final stubborn and damaged screw to breaking point, releasing the door from its hinges. This gave me courage to ask for the next bit of help from another allotmentee: to borrow some additional tools for the job.
Having been helped, and the door having been freed from its hinges, I was able to fix it. To do this, I moved the top hinge lower down, and the bottom hinge higher up, avoiding the damaged wood. Before I did this, I sawed a little from the bottom of the door to prevent it from dragging on the ground.
The door now opens and, importantly, closes and can be locked. It's much more secure than it was. And maybe I will be too now, knowing that my skills of moderate independence are just that, moderate - that there is plenty of room within that moderation to ask for help and to receive just what I need to keep things on the inside as safe as possible.
